walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
