dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
