I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
