Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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