I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
