Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
