Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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