I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize