I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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