I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
