just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
