New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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