counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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