I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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