Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My ass is underappreciated
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
