I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
