If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
