the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
