I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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