Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
