Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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