I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
