Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
The best revenge is premature balding
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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