so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
