ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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