k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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