I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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