The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
