When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
