Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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