Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
