It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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