my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
