I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
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So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
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Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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