this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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