As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Someone shattered a urinal.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
