you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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