i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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