If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
