I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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