I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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