dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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