Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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