omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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