Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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