First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
