And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
