If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
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Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
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The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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