we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize