you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
