I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
