My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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