I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
