The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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