In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
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I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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