Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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